文/蔡履惠
撰文者介紹
蔡履惠，南京大學海外（新加坡班）文學碩士。任職補教界二十多年，現為自由寫作人。出版兒童讀物2本，其他文體散見報刊雜誌
About the author
Leu Huey Chai. Master of Arts from Nanjing University Overseas (Singapore). She has worked in cram schools for over two decades and is now a freelance writer. She has written two children’s books. Her writings are often published in various newspapers and magazines.
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葆靈在幼小時就喜歡畫畫，當時我並沒有想到那就是他往後身心的寄託——進出畫裡畫外， 因為信筆塗鴉大抵是每個人兒時都會做的玩意兒，包括我自己。六歲那年，他畫了一隻動物，身上有條紋，看起來就像是老虎，特別的是那老虎是站著的。當時自立早報有發表兒童畫的欄目。我於是把葆靈的塗鴉定名為「老虎的條紋衣」寄出。結果發表了，我收存迄今。
As a young child, Bao Ling loved to draw. Back then, I did not realize that it would become the sustenance for his mind and body because doodling was what most children do, myself included. When he was just 6 years old, he drew an animal with stripes that looked like a tiger. What was special about that tiger was that it was standing. Back then, the Independence Morning Post had a column which featured children’s drawings. I submitted Baoling’s doodle with the title, “Tiger-striped Clothes,” and it was published. I still have that news clipping in my possession.
我喜歡寫文，涉及親子互動內容的，就讓他配圖。他總能選取重點，畫出對應的圖，有時還會加上對白，那時，他不過十二三歲。我在新加坡的補教界一待就是廿多年，期間葆靈多次替我的教材配圖，也在我為出版社編寫的華文課外練習本畫過封面。他所配的插圖，不但人物造型可愛，表情也生動有趣。尤其是那套我專用的漢語拼音教材，有同行一見便篤定地說，這一套如果流出去，一定會被盜用得一塌糊塗。導致我用來教課時總提著心，生怕教材會落入有心人手中。
I love to write. When it came to parent–child interactions, I often let Baoling illustrate my writings. He could always find the key points and draw corresponding images that complimented my pieces. Sometimes, he would add dialogue. At that time, he was only around 12 or 13 years of age. For twenty years, I was involved in the Singaporean cram school scene. During that period, Baoling often illustrated my teaching materials. He also drew the cover for the Chinese textbook I composed for a publisher. The illustrations he created were adorable figures with lively expressions. Those he drew for the set of Hanyu Pinyin teaching materials were especially so. A coworker saw them and told me with certainty that if that set of teaching materials came into the hands of others, it would doubtlessly be plagiarized. That comment ended up causing me endless anxiety every time I used it in class, fearing that ill-intended people would get a hold of it.
為了讓孩子們浸濡英語環境，又不脫離母語， 十三歲的葆靈兄妹仨被父母帶到新加坡。有一天，他自己動手製作一本圖文兼具的小書〈小馬歷險記〉，封面、封底俱全，用的紙張較內文厚，而且全裹上透明膠帶，防潮兼有保護作用吧。內頁是對開形式，左圖右文，方便對照閱讀。小小年紀就能如此用心、細心地完成一本書，這種精神真是令人動容。小書內容來自他哥哥口述的故事，寫的是馬爸媽年紀已大，馬弟弟以智謀勇救被巫婆擄走的馬姐姐，讓歡樂重回家庭的故事。這故事裡的友愛正好也反映在葆靈的生活中。
My husband and I decided to bring our children to Singapore to immerse them in an English-speaking environment while maintaining their connection to their mother tongue, Mandarin. That was how, at age 13, Baoling, his two siblings, and my husband and I came to reside in Singapore. One day, Baoling created a little book, Adventures of a Little Pony, with text and illustrations along with a front and back cover. The cover of the book was made with heavy paper and held together with tape, possibly for the purpose of protection and to make the book waterproof. The content had pictures on the left and text on the right to facilitate cross-referencing. It was touching to see him being able to create a book with such care. The content of the book was based on a story told by his older brother. It depicted a young pony whose older sister was kidnapped by a witch. Because the young pony’s parents were old, he must exercise his wits and bravery in order to rescue his sister, making the family whole and happy again. The friendship between siblings in the story was also reflected in Bao Ling’s life.
葆靈從出生就跟著我睡，有一次他睏極了，而我還在忙碌，他就在床榻旁的地板上靠牆而坐，問進出房間的我：「媽，好了嗎？要睡了嗎？」我看到他已睡眼惺忪卻還忍者等我就寢。這樣一個依戀母親的孩子，在八歲那年，他妹妹出生，從醫院抱回家的當晚，竟不發一語抱著枕頭自動去另一個房間睡，讓出他原本的床位給妹妹。他不只對自己妹妹如斯愛護，對別人也一樣。有一次鄰居家的小女孩被年長一點的男生欺負，葆靈挺身而出捍衛那個小女孩。這樣的正義感是天生的吧。
Bao Ling and I shared a bed since the day he was born. One day, he was extremely sleepy, but I was still busy. He sat on the floor by the bed, leaning against the wall, and asked me, as I was walking in and out of the room, “Mommy, are you finished? Are you coming to bed?” I looked at him adoringly with his sleepy eyes trying to resist his sleepiness while he waited for me to go to bed with him. It was this loving child, who at the age of eight, quietly hugged his pillow and went to another room to relinquish his sleeping spot after his younger sister was born. He was a caring child, not only towards his sister, but towards others as well. Once a neighbor’s little girl was bullied by an older boy, and Baoling stood up for her. His sense of justice was probably innate.
葆靈和他的哥哥最特別的一點是，他們都不在教育體制下成長和學習，也就是自學啦。自學在當年不見容於社會，所以當先父得知我們竟然不讓老大上學，十分生氣。等到葆靈也到了就學年齡， 他說：「前面那個就算了，這個一定要讓他上學！」然而葆靈的父親就是堅持：填鴨教育，不上也罷！於是，他們兩個大男人，從此成了絕緣體。
Bao Ling and his brother were unique in that they did not grow up educated in the traditional school system. Instead, they were home-schooled. Back then, home-schooling was not widely accepted by society. When my late father learned that we had not enrolled our oldest boy in school, he was furious. When Bao Ling came of age to attend school, my late father said, “I’ll forgive you for your decision about the oldest child. But this one must go to school!” However, Bao Ling’s father insisted that his children would not be forced into the traditional educational system. Consequently, after that, my father and my husband treated each other as strangers.
兩個兒子的學習，都由我啟蒙。我買來教科書，教他們認字、寫字、做算數等。忘了教到哪一年才放手，而我放手時 ，兩兄弟已能自主學習，也喜歡閱讀，尤其是漫畫。我愛古典詩詞，也讓孩子們背過一些。後來我興起教兩兄弟古文的念頭，徵詢他們的意見。葆靈願意，他哥哥則說不。有一個願意就行，不想學的也一定聽得到我們的背誦，因為我嗓門大，而二十多坪的房子肯定無法隔離我的聲音，無論學與不學都一樣吧。這是我打的算盤。多少年過去了，少年葆靈一板一眼背誦諸葛亮〈出師表〉的模樣，仍留在我的海馬迴裡。
I was in charge of home-schooling both my boys. I bought textbooks to teach them reading, writing, and arithmetic. I forgot exactly how many years I taught them. I relaxed when they were finally able to read on their own. They loved to read, especially comic books. I love classic poetry, and I let my boys memorize some. Later, I had an idea to teach them ancient Chinese prose. I asked them if they would like to learn. Bao Ling was willing to learn, but not his brother. I thought it was fine as long as one of them was willing. The one who did not want to learn would hear us recite the prose. I was loud, and my voice would spread to every corner of our 270 square foot home. It would not have made a difference if they wanted to learn or not, I thought. Many years have passed, but I can still remember young Bao Ling memorizing and reciting “Chu Shi Biao” by Zhuge Liang in a very serious tone.
外人不免認為自學的孩子，社交會有障礙。其實自學不是要你自閉，先夫當年經常帶著全家出遊，平日裡則是山間、運動場的常客。我們有段時間住在樹林鎮，當時家中門戶開放，讓鄰居小孩自由進出，甚至在運動場認識的小孩也會跟來，他們都叫我「媽媽」，也是葆靈哥兒倆在同齡親戚以外的玩伴。
People often assume that home-schooled children will have difficulty socializing. In reality, home-schooling does not mean the children will become autistic. My late husband often took the whole family out on trips, and it was typical for us to go hiking in the mountains or to go to sports fields. For a period, we lived in a forest town. We opened our house to neighborhood children and allowed them to visit freely. Even children we met at the sports field would come. They all called me “Mom,” and those who were close to their ages became playmates with Bao Ling and his brother.
不上學的日子，在臺灣是自由自在的。來到新加坡後，葆靈兄弟先在一間語文學校學習英文，後來進入加拿大國際學校就讀。如今想來，我依然感念這所學校，這是我為了孩子的居留四處碰壁後的一線生機，該校豁免我們提供在臺灣的學歷證明，直接進行面試和筆試。然後讓他們就讀高一部。這時是1999年。後來，先夫獲知劍橋O水準考試對私人考生開放了（考上等同具有中學學歷），於是讓二子離開國際學校到補習班惡補，以備應考。然而補習班代他們申請的學生證三個月到期後，移民廳就不批准了。這意味著兒子們必須以出境、入境的方式來獲得短期的落地簽證，這也將導致他們在補習班的學習時斷時續。
When not in school, my sons enjoyed a free and laidback lifestyle in Taiwan. When they moved to Singapore, the boys first attended a language school to improve their English. Later, they were enrolled in a Canadian international school. Thinking back, I am still grateful to this school. Other schools had rejected them, and it was the last chance for my children to stay with us in Singapore. That school waved the proof of qualification from Taiwan and instead interviewed them after giving them written exams. They were admitted to the 10th grade. This was 1999. Later, my late husband learned that the General Cambridge Education Ordinary Level was open to individual test-takers. (Passing the test would mean one is equal to having received a junior high school education.) Thus, my two sons left the international school and went to a cram school to study for the exam. However, after the 3-month student visa, provided by the cram school, expired, the immigration office denied them student visas. Consequently, my sons had to constantly depart and re-enter Singapore using landing visas. This resulted in inconsistent studies and attendance at the cram school.
我心裡發急，如何是好？當時我們在星國，遇事無可商量者，無可依靠者，我只好仰仗自己了。當下修書一封為孩子上訴。思及當時父子仨又在外「旅行」，我在信一開頭便不客氣地討功勞，寫道：「我為貴國做出貢獻……」提的是自己在1999年代表新加坡參加泛東南亞華語演講比賽，獲得季軍一事，為新加坡爭光。再提及自己得以編寫華文教材得力於兩個兒子，一個教我使用電腦，一個幫我配圖。「如果他們的學生證得不到延續，無法繼續居留，那等於斷了我的左右手，叫我如何再為貴國做出貢獻？」我也提及孩子在臺灣沒有上學，「不是他們的錯」（其實自學何錯之有？）可不是嗎？如今卻因此讓他們不能安安穩穩地在異國生活，教我情何以堪？事已至此，眼前唯有打動移民廳當局方可扭轉情勢。我在心情紊亂又力求鎮靜下，語氣忽軟忽硬胡亂出招，孤注一擲。
I was worried. We were in Singapore, and we did not have people to consult or rely on when facing difficulties. I had to rely on myself. I wrote a letter to appeal on my children’s behalf. At the moment, my husband and sons were “traveling” abroad, on yet another visa run, so I began the letter by crediting myself: “I have made contributions for Singapore…” I mentioned that in 1999, I represented Singapore and attended the Pan-Southeast Asian Chinese Speech Contest and won third place. Then I mentioned that I was able to compose Chinese teaching materials because of the help from my children, one of them teaching me how to use the computer, and the other illustrated my materials. “If they are unable to obtain student visas and continue to live in Singapore, it would cripple me by taking away my hands. How could I continue to make contributions to Singapore?” I also mentioned that the children did not go to school in Taiwan “due to no fault of their own.” (In fact, what was wrong with home-schooling anyway?) And yet, the lack of formal schooling resulted in their inability to reside peacefully in a foreign country. I could not bear it. I would have to move the officials at the immigration office to turn things around. I was frantic but tried to remind myself to calm down. My tone in the letter was sometimes pleading and sometimes forceful. I gave it everything I had.
日子在忐忑中，傳來補習班的消息，學生證批准下來了！
Finally, the cram school told us that the boys’ student visas were granted!
後來的事很值得書上一筆，那是孩子們十分爭氣，這樣紛擾的學習過程，還讓他們雙雙考過O水準，葆靈的華文和美術還考到A1。這是2001年間的事，這一紙證書是他們擁有學歷的開始。我有時想，如果留在臺灣，不必繞這麼多彎路早就順理成章地到手了吧？但較為漫長的這條道路也讓他們多看了些一般人看不到的風景。
What happened later is worth mentioning. My children did not let me down. Despite the turbulent study process, both of them passed the Ordinary Level. Bao Ling’s Chinese and arts even scored the A1 level. It was 2001. This certificate was the beginning of them gaining learning certificates. Sometimes I wondered, if they had remained in Taiwan, they would not have to go through so many struggles to obtain their certificates. However, I believe this long road allowed them to experience perspectives ordinary people their age do not.
話說葆靈選讀拉薩爾藝術學院，從此有了自己開創的天地。他的履歷長長一串令我咋舌，真是用功！他大大小小的個展、聯展，我看似都不在場，其實心裡都牽掛著，總在佛前焚香禱祝。
Bao Ling chose to study in the LASALLE College of the Arts, and he started creating his own world. His resume was long and surprised me. He was diligent. Although it seems that I did not attend his various solo exhibitions and joined exhibitions, they were always on my mind, and I always burn incense and pray to Buddha for him.
孩子大了，該放手時就放手，讓他們去走自己的路。早在初來乍到新加坡，我在當地聯合早報投稿的文章〈放他單飛〉一文就已表露我心裡的想法：
When children grow up, there comes a time to let go, allowing them to go their own way. When we first arrived at Singapore, I submitted an article to the Lianhe Zaobao entitled “Let Him Fly Solo,” in which my thoughts were revealed:
我告訴友人，我放他單飛，一點一點放，每回讓他離開父母的視線，充其量也不過幾個鐘頭的時間。再過幾年，等他羽翼豐滿，那時，千山萬水、海角天涯，只要他心之所向的地方，都任他去獨行了！歲月豈容父母當孩子一輩子的守護神呢？
I told my friends that I would let my son fly solo, bit by bit. Each time he left his parents’ sight, it would be just for a couple of hours. In a couple of years, when his wings are fully grown, wherever he wishes to go, no matter how far, I will let him fly solo. Time does not allow parents to be guardian angels of their children for their children’s lifetime.
文章當時說的是我的大孩子，葆靈的哥哥，但一樣用在後來葆靈的身上。可不是嗎？原本成雙的守護神，如今落單了。而當我繼續老去，又還當得了誰的守護神呢？
That article referred to my eldest child, Bao Ling’s older brother. But it was applicable to Bao Ling, wasn’t it? Once a pair of guardian angels, there is now only one left. And as I continue to age, how long could I remain their guardian angel?
多年後，我對外提起讓孩子自學的這段往事。記得那位本地朋友聽了，靜默了一會兒，說：「你很勇敢。」我說勇敢的不是我，我只是執行者。的確，如果先夫沒有做出這樣的決策，我是斷然不會去挑戰體制的，根本連這樣的念頭都不曾有過。幸好觀諸二子，他們沒有對這段成長經歷發過怨言，葆靈甚至認為這樣的經歷豐富了他。是的，他在留宿中國一間廟宇時，曾目睹了廟裡進行的佛像雕塑，還實際拿土操作稍微學了些。這有助於他的藝術創作吧？
Years later, I mentioned that I home-schooled my children. A local friend heard it, was silent for a while, and then said, “You were brave.” I said it was not I who was brave. I was only the implementer. Indeed, if my late husband had not made the decision, I certainly would not have challenged the system. I would not even have had such thoughts. As luck would have it, both my sons never complained about their experiences growing up. Bao Ling even thought that this experience enriched him. Indeed, when he stayed in a temple in China, he observed sculpted Buddhist statues and later tried his hand at sculpting replicas from clay. Perhaps the experience helped his artistic creations.
近日，葆靈在家庭群組裡問我，「話說我9月3日要開個展了，這次要印畫冊，老媽有沒有興趣幫我寫一篇文章收錄在畫冊？字數不拘，但時間比較趕，大約7月底截稿。」
Lately, Bao Ling asked me in the family message group, “Say, I’m going to hold a solo exhibition on September 3. This time, I’m going to print an art album. Mom, would you be interested in writing an essay to be included? The only thing is that you must hurry and finish it by late July.”
當然，能為兒子跨刀是為母的榮幸與驕傲。於是，我鑽入時光隧道去開挖記憶，挖出沉埋的各種心情故事，羅列二三於本文。但願葆靈記得，縱然全世界關心的是你飛得高不高，老媽只著眼於你飛得累不累，即使你天上的父親亦必然如是想。
Of course. It would be an honor to write for my son. Thus, I turned back time and turned back the clock, I dug up all the thoughts and stories that had been buried in my memories and jotted them down in this essay. I hope Bao Ling remembers that although the world wants to see him soar and fly high, as his mother, what I care about most is whether he is tired of flying. I’m sure his father in Heaven will agree.
身為葆靈母親，卻是繪畫的門外漢，無能評價他的畫藝如何、技巧如何，只能絮叨一些他的日常，差堪自慰的是，自他兒時起，便任由他的畫筆自由飛翔。於此，借用他此次的展名〈自由的光芒〉為題，寫此小文，並深深感謝一路來照顧、指導與提攜他的師長、畫壇前輩們；並由衷感謝畫廊給予他展出夢想的機會與空間。最後祝願以畫畫為一生志業的葆靈畫途順遂、畫展成功，事事圓滿。老媽永在你背後支持你。
Despite being Bao Ling’s mother, I will confess that I cannot draw or paint to save my life. Nor can I comment on his painting skills. I can only talk about his daily life. I can only take pride that I allowed him the space to spread his wings and explore his artistic nature in his youth. This time, I borrowed his exhibition title “The Light of Freedom'' to write this essay. I would like to express my deepest gratitude to the teachers and seniors in the art scene who have cared for, mentored, and led Bao Ling. I would also like to thank the gallery for offering him the opportunity and space to exhibit his works. Finally, I wish Bao Ling, whose life is dedicated to his art, a smooth career, a successful exhibition, and that he may feel fulfilled in everything. As your mother, I shall always stand behind and support you.
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